CW24: I must learn to accept the clouds!!
True strength is knowing that you don’t have to be strong every single second of the day. - Mandy Hale
16.06.2024
HAPPY PRIDE!!!
My legs still ache from the miles we walked and I am still buzzing with the energy of not feeling alone. Each year, I drag myself to the march thinking that it’s not even that big of a deal, then I find myself surrounded by people who see me and a few tears escape me, like clockwork.
What I liked the most about this year’s pride is that it was my first pride in this new city that has - so far - not been especially welcoming to me. To be around so much joy here where I am trying to build a life was nice! And there were so many teens being out and proud! I loved to see that, to experience someone so young being already so confident in who they love.
At 25, being bisexual still feels like a work in progress. I have been out for many many years, but that has not made it easier for me to actually believe myself (the internalised biphobia is so real). Each day I have to remind myself that being bi means being bi, not just saying it or identifying with the label. It’s an act of love towards myself, an act of defiance towards what my insecurities try to convince me of.
If you are celebrating pride, I hope you have a good one!
THE OUTFITS
![](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F705a20f8-6fe0-4185-a74c-44dcb66e7468_2316x3088.heic)
Day 1: results for the European elections came through and the world looked bleak. It still does, and I don’t have any powerful words of inspiration to share. I’m just angry: so little people went to vote, the majority of those who did voted for people I wouldn’t want to share an elevator ride with, and our future seems shaky.
It feels impossible to remain optimistic, but if I don’t I fear that’s it for us. In order to build a better society, we must believe in one.
I’m trying to believe.
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Day 2: I didn’t have time to sit with the results of the election too much, because I had to focus on my very unimportant job. I am organising an event, something I have never done before in my life, and during this particular day - when we had to go do a site inspection of the venue - I felt useless and stupid.
I just want to know I am needed, that I am not just sitting around and executing orders, but it is hard to be good at something you have no experience doing.
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Day 3: Perhaps the weather had an impact on how small and tiny I was feeling this week (I am known to succumb to a cloudy day).
On Wednesday, I decided to read the feedback I have received on that writing thing I handed in about a month ago. The comments were not that bad - they liked the concept, they thought it was a strong idea - but essentially I’d have to sit down and rewrite the whole thing.
That did not make me feel good!
I put so much effort in that script and I don’t think I can do better, and that is such a terrifying thought.
I am scared of running out of ideas, running out of time. I know 25 is objectively young but I can sense time slipping away from me: what if I don’t manage to improve? What if this is it for me? I don’t want to stagnate but I am paralysed by the days that end and start at a speed I cannot fathom.
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Day 4: I was 30 minutes late to my driving class because I had to show my director of marketing where to find a PDF file. Here’s how I can summarise the day:
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Day 5: after work, we went for an aperitivo with some coworkers. Though I am so happy I can say that now, I must complain about something: what does the world have against sweet and tasty beverages?? I choose to drink very little alcohol, but finding a cute little drink that isn’t soda seems impossible! Every bar in Italy treats you like a deranged human for asking for a non-alcoholic drink, and I get tired of having to ask and ask and ask!
I ended up drinking beer and it tasted ok but - as expected - the following day my mood took a big hit. Why can’t I just have a virgin colada everywhere I go?
BONUS:
Tuesday was my 5 year anniversary with my boyfriend, so here - have this poem I wrote about him. I LOVE U MY GUY!